Getting Rid of Matthew

What to do if Matthew, your secret lover of the past four years, finally decides to leave his wife Sophie and their two daughters and move into your flat, just when youre thinking that you might not want him anymore . . . PLAN AStop shaving your armpits. And your bikini line Tell him you have a moustache that you wax every six weeks Stop having sex with him Pick holes in the way he dresses Dont brush your teeth. Or your hair. Or pluck out the stray hag-whisker that grows out of your chin Buy incontinence pads and leave them lying around PLAN BAccidentally on purpose bump into his wife Sophie Befriend Sophie Actually begin to really like Sophie Snog Matthews son (whos the same age as you by the way. Youre not a paedophile) Buy a cat and give it a fake name and identity Befriend Matthews children. Unsuccessfully Watch your whole plan go absolutely horribly wrong